Emotional Intelligence Matters
- Janet Foster
- 2 days ago
- 5 min read
There are no right or wrong feelings. All feelings are okay.
“We all have feelings, and we all have strong feelings sometimes.”
Dr. Bruce D. Perry, Child Trauma Academy, Texas
Dr. Stanley Greenspan was a child psychiatrist who changed our thinking about the development of young children. He believed ...
“that at birth all children have emotional experiences and emotional systems. He believed it was these emotional experiences that drove the developmental process of each child and encouraged their interaction with the world. He also said that it is these emotional experiences and emotional perceptions that help us organize and integrate the different parts of our brain to develop a true understanding of the world around us.”
What We Know
There is increasing awareness of the powerful role played by the emotions young children experience, within their families, and within group settings such as child care. This has a significant impact on the way the child experiences child care and kindergarten, and the quality of educator and peer interactions.
Children need to be able to manage their emotions
Children need to be able to name feelings and express them in a way that will not harm others or themselves.
When children do not understand their feelings or how to talk about them, they often use one or more common ways to deal with the stress of their emotions. Some of these common ways are
express emotions with strong words (such as, NO!)
act out emotions through behaviours, such as screaming, kicking, running away or hiding.
withdraw or refuse to do something when feelings are strong.
Over time, these reactions can result in the child experiencing difficulties in social interactions. If children are not encouraged to express their feelings, they may keep the feelings bottled up inside. Bottling up feelings can impact a sense of well-being, and lead to mental or physical health problems over time.
Emotional Competence
A child’s first step in developing a sense of self-control is being able to recognize different feelings, in self and in others, and being able to express those feelings appropriately. Children who can understand and manage their feelings have what is called “emotional competence.” They can identify the feeling and what other people are feeling, and they can modify their emotions to better deal with certain situations (e.g., calming down when anxious).
Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Intelligence refers to how well a person copes with his or her own feelings and whether the person has empathy for and gets along with others.
“Naming emotions accurately helps children be clearer about what is going on inside— essential both to making clearheaded decisions and to managing emotions throughout life. Self-awareness—turning our attention to our inner world of thoughts and feelings— allows us to manage ourselves well. An inner focus lets us understand and handle our inner world, even when rocked by disturbing feelings. This is a life skill that keeps us on track throughout the years, and helps children become better learners.”
Dr. Daniel Goleman: We Should Be Teaching Emotional Literacy in Schools, 2014
Self-awareness is a prerequisite for understanding the feelings of others. Those who are emotionally intelligent
tend to feel more connected to others
tend to get along with other children
(Centre on the Social and Emotional Foundaions for Early Learning)
What is the Role of the Educator?
Studies show that when educators modelled and helped children express feelings, recognize others’ feelings, and help others, children developed positive social skills such as perspective taking, empathy, and emotion regulation and were less likely to engage in problematic behaviours.
How Does Learning Happen? 2014 (pp. 24-25
RELATIONSHIP-BASED APPROACH
An intentionally planned emotional and social environment is essential. The key ingredient is the presence of calm, caring adults who are able to recognize, accept and respect their children’s emotions and restore their sense of emotional safety.
The innate instinct of children tells them to approach significant others for comfort when hurt or distressed. Infants and toddlers signal to be picked up, but by the third year, children’s signals can become more subtle. Some children even test you with small issues, like a sore finger, to reassure themselves that the help they need is dependable.
When a child comes to you with a problem, always respond. Educators need to encourage children to seek assistance when they are upset or anxious.
Do you need help?
What are you feeling?
What happened?
What will help to make it better?
Coming to and accepting help from an adult is a key aspect of co-regulation, that some children have not yet experienced as an option from which they can benefit.
When children don’t come to you at all, it is important to check in, whenever body language or facial expressions alert you that the child is not happily engaged.
I am wondering if you have a feeling or a problem I can help you with.
You seem sad? Worried? Angry?
Did something happen?
Are you thinking about something that is upsetting you?
For children with limited emotional awareness, they may not even realize that they need support. And they may not initially accept it. Stay close, engage them in simple play, maybe water or sand play, and let them experience the calming effect of a caring educator who is close by.
Similarly, Educators need to be aware of cultural variations. Not all cultures encourage talking about feelings. Children may not be familiar with feelings vocabulary.
Connection is the Key
Children need to be able to listen to their bodies and recognize what they are feeling. Connecting with children when they express emotions is an ideal time to use your relationship to help children understand their feelings, and if needed, to calm and co-regulate.
We need to talk about comfortable and uncomfortable feelings as opposed to good and bad feelings. What we all need to learn is how to deal with our feelings and the feelings of others in age-appropriate ways.
Ask personal questions to help children to think more about their own feelings and what causes them to feel that way.
Validate what they are feeling by talking about when you might experience these same emotions, in everyday life.
SHARE YOUR EMOTIONS
Share your own emotions. At mealtimes, talk about something that happened in your life that made you feel frustrated, sad, happy or scared. Talk about what you did to feel better.
“I’m feeling really excited that we are going for a walk soon; I can’t stop smiling, I’m so happy, and my legs just want to go!”
“I was feeling scared because children were pushing in line. My face and body might have looked angry, but I was really just worried that you all would be safe.”
All Day - Every Day
There are two types of opportunities for enhancing emotional literacy that happen every day.
Cool times throughout the day
In these times, calm and alert children are able to attend and learn feelings vocabulary and possible management strategies more symbolically.
Observe and label children’s emotions as you notice them
“Your face and your body look like you’re feeling happy. Is that right? Are you?”
“Let’s get those picture cards; can you show me how you are feeling.”
Frequently ask children to look at each other’s faces and think about how that person might be feeling. This should happen not only when children are expressing sad or angry emotions, but also happy, excited, etc.
Hot times
Some young children express strong emotions throughout the day. These are hot times. These are important opportunities to model and co-regulate.
The important thing is for educators to plan how they will intervene so that their messages to children are calm and consistent.
Remember, feelings are caught, not taught. For children to regain their sense of calm control, educators must be in that state of mind themselves. Sometimes we have to do our own deep breathing before we can be helpful to the child.
Moving Forward....
TFL Early Years Social Emotional Learning and Relationship Building Strategies encourages educators to implement intentional practices through both planned and spontaneous opportunities.
We would be happy to discuss your interest in our training.
Jan Blaxall Janet Foster info@tflearlyyears.com
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